“You Ain’t Gonna Do It”
By Kinsey Thurlow on November 13th, 2012

It was my first time to have one-on-one interaction with this spunky six-year-old girl. I went into the library and took my seat next to her. When I first saw her, I was pierced by young brown eyes, timid, and reeling with fear. In my heart, I wanted to hold her, comfort her, tell her there wasn’t anything to be afraid of—not here, not now. I knew by her very being in this children’s home, she must have been pulled out of some very fearful places. And though now in a new place, the fear lingered powerfully.

For about 30 minutes, she and I practiced our ABC’s and read a few books together. When it was time to go, I realized I’d forgotten one of a teacher’s most critical items. Stickers. Maybe she wouldn’t expect any kind of  a “reward” today, I hoped. I hoped in vain. She expected, she saw I had none, and out went her bottom lip. Her arms crossed tightly over her body. In effort to keep the mood light (though she had already decided on a contrary mood), I stood up to go and told her, “I’ll bring some next time.”

She mumbled something through her stern pout that I didn’t understand. I had her repeat it several times before I actually made out what she was saying. “You ain’t gonna do it.” I thought about her statement for a moment as I observed her sitting in an I’m-not-leaving-til-you-give-me-something position. “You ain’t gonna do it.” Well, yes, I was sincerely planning to bring the stickers next time, now so more than ever! But why would she believe me? I was still mostly a stranger to her. Why would she trust me to keep my word?

As I sought to stare into her heart a little more, I saw something that I wasn’t initially expecting to see. I saw myself. Afraid sometimes. Pouting. Not trusting. While looking at this fatherless child, a fatherless place in my own heart was suddenly exposed. I heard in my own heart a voice mumbling those same words. Words I don’t shout as this little girl did, words I rarely even acknowledge speaking. Yet, in my heart, I’ve said them to the Father. “You ain’t gonna do it.” My mind began to file through promises He’s spoken that I want to believe, though a gap exists between the desire and the reality of belief. Promises like these– No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11); He will never desert us, nor will He ever forsake us (Hebrews 13:5); The Father loves me in the same way He loves Jesus (John 17:23); Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7); Give, pray, and fast in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you (Matthew 6). And as I remembered these promises, I saw in my heart the “You ain’t gonna do it” statement take a sorrowful stand against them.

I considered again why this little girl didn’t trust me to keep my word to her. She didn’t know me. She didn’t know I could be trusted. It’s the same reason that causes my own distrust of the Father to sink down within me. I don’t know Him. In my heart, there is lack of the revelation, an unknowing of the Father. If I only knew Him, surely I would trust Him. Always.

Holy Spirit, lead us into the Abba Cry that sounds within us. Reveal the Father to us. Show us who He really is, and move the revelation into the deepest places of our hearts. O Father, we need to know You.

November 13th, 2012

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